A place to call home

The company has recently employed a new CEO; Joe Payne. I’m happy to see such movement within the business, however, things in my personal life are beginning to affect my work.

Joe made a good point that has somewhat haunted me for the past few weeks. We will advertise oppurtunities internally first, as people simply learning a new job, without the hassle of learning a new company, is much easier for both employee, and employer. It works the other way around too, we would most likely employ people already proficient in endpoint backup/security, so that they learn a new company, but not an entirely new job. Someone trying to learn a new company, and a new job, would have a pretty difficult time adjusting it seems.

Now, I’ve always been mentally strong. In the past few years I’ve overcome obstacles that would’ve crushed most people. I work hard, and I love what I do. I’ve always retained my integrity, even if it meant completely changing my life.

I knew I wanted to work for Code42 since I began researching the company. Their culture, attitude towards employee wellbeing, and ethics were all things I needed in my life, and were something I felt I deserved. After years of oppressive, soul-crushing monotony, I was finally ready to settle down and begin living my life. I’m going to paint a picture of how difficult the transition to this new career has been, and how I’m still trying to adjust.

It all began with excitement. I’d done a lot of research about the company, and when I saw a job opening for the London Office, I knew I was going to get it. Not through arrogance, but simply believing in my abilities, and keeping that dying fire in my heart lit until I had the presence of mind to feed it again. The job was 120 miles from where I was, but I didn’t think about the effort required to migrate, I only pictured the outcome. After exchanging a few emails and attending a couple of interviews, I was offered the job. Nothing I wasn’t expecting; again, not through arrogance. The process next was to move all my stuff 120 miles away.

The next step was to move house, and start my new job. I’d just like you to think about the point Joe made. New job, or new company, not both. I’d lived in the same place, and worked the same job for over two years, and I was quite comfortable, in a sense that i was stuck in a rut. Now, with Joe’s point in mind, I will give you the timeline of my weekend;

Friday, May 1st – My last day working for SmarterWays. I’d worked the month, and it was now my time to go. Manager didn’t show up to say goodbye, and I left some good people. It didn’t feel like how a proper send-off should feel. I slightly regretted my decision.

Saturday, May 2nd – Packed my belongings. I moved everything downstairs and had one final sleep in my bed. It was restless.

Sunday, May 3rd – 10AM, the family showed up and after loading up the van, we made haste to the outskirts of London. We unloaded the van at my new house, and after picking up some essentials from the supermarket, the family left, and I was alone to do my thing. I was now 120 miles away from anyone I knew.

Monday, May 4th – I spent the day riding around the area. I went past the office to ensure I knew my commute, and had some fun on the country roads. I still hadn’t come to terms with the changes.

Tuesday, May 5th – The first day of my new job. Would I make a good impression? Would it not be as I’d hoped? Would I be stuck in another boring, dead-end job, wishing for something more? At the end of the day, I was smiling.

So, you see, within a 5 day period, my entire life changed. I’d even purchased a new motorcycle before I moved, so no area of my life was the same. I’m at the next level of hardship, I have to learn a new company, new job, and a new area where I know nobody, and I was essentially moving into a new industry, so there’s also that. After a couple of weeks I was told I’d made excellent progress, and was about two weeks ahead of the learning curve. Even today, I’m completely happy with the work I do, and love every aspect of my life, although, this is where the problems come.

I’ve often compared myself to Dr House (yes, the fictional character), in that my problem-solving and critical thinking are, for lack of a better word, exceptional. As I write this however, I’m of the opinion that I’m more like Dr House than I’d realised. When under terrible pressure and stress, my ability to diagnose and solve problems was incomparable to anyone else, and there was rarely something I couldn’t fix. Now, I am happy, in an excellent job, and am free to work at my own pace, using my own methods. This, I fear, has made me complacent. I have seen a huge decline in my ability, and my once great powers have become nothing more than average. I’m confident that I need to be miserable and pressured to utilise my potential. Even as I write this, which is the first thing I’ve written in weeks, I am stressed and agitated due to financial problems, and that I need to move house again. It would appear that even to be creative, I need stress and negativity.

In short, a decline in my great creative aptitude coinsides directly with me being happy for the first time in at least 6 years. I’m not comfortable with it, and I’d rather be miserable than lose my intelligence, but forcing myself into a negative position may only be achievable with a complete self-destruction at this point, and after all my hard work over the years, it’s not something I can consider. After contemplating suicide, I understand the importance of mindfulness, and will never allow myself to become that blind again. I will continue meditating on my predicament, and hopefully my next post will be one explaining the story of how my powers were returned to me.

Thanks for reading if you managed to get this far. While it’s only my ramblings, and is good for my mental health, I hope someone, somewhere, can relate. It’s why I make my thoughts public, and leave them unedited. This is straight from my mind, and editing would only obscure what is my raw expression.

P.S, I’m not arrogant, I swear. x